A Guest post

by

Frankie Mary NicAonghais

PREFACE

Jonathan Swift is best remembered today as the author of Gulliver’s Travels, but he is also regarded as one of the greatest satirists of all time. In 1729, he published A Modest Proposal, a pamphlet in which he suggested that poverty and hunger in Ireland could be alleviated if poor people were to sell their babies to be eaten by the rich. Almost three hundred years later, in the UK, this solution would obviously not be feasible, as the birth rate is much lower because of contraception and an aging population. Therefore, I have ventured to suggest an alternative solution more in keeping with the times in which we find ourselves, all the while paying tribute to Swift’s genius.

Frankie, November 2024

Open Letter to Ms Rachel Reeves, UK Chancellor of the Exchequer

Dear Ms Reeves,

I could not help noticing that you have been under some attack recently for your cutting of the winter fuel allowance to all but the poorest pensioners. I am writing to you to propose a scheme which I truly believe could be implemented very easily, and which would avoid any recurrence of such attacks in the future.

As I’m sure you know, today 13.6% of people in the UK are over 70; by 2045, that figure is projected to rise to more than 20%. These people are not productive. Despite the rise in retirement age, the over 70s are unlikely to be working and are likely to be in receipt of state pension and other benefits. Some Government projections indicate that UK spending on payments to pensioners, including social care, could increase to almost 10% of national income by 2045. This situation is clearly untenable.

Another problem for the UK in the 21st century is the increasing reliance on importing food, rather than producing it ourselves. Given the current uncertain and unpredictable world situation, it would surely be sensible to be sourcing as much of our own food as possible from within the UK, and yet since 1984 the percentage of home-produced food has dropped steadily.

The modest proposal contained in this letter would, if implemented, solve both of these problems at a stroke. People who have tasted human flesh say that it is delicious, variously described as being like pork or veal, with the consistency of beef, and so why do we not eat the old people who have become such a drain on our resources? We would then not have to pay their winter fuel allowance, pensions, benefits or social care, and we would be increasing the amount of food that we produce in the UK, thereby improving our balance of payments.

You may think that this is a bad idea because old people are, well, old, and their meat may not taste very nice. But it is universally agreed by chefs and foodies alike that older animals have more flavour; mutton has a richer taste than lamb, for example. True, they may not be as tender, but this can easily be remedied by beating them for a few minutes with a hammer to tenderise them, or by judicious use of a marinade. All cooks have their own favourite marinades, but I find a simple one using ground ginger, garlic, extra virgin olive oil and lemon juice adds a wonderful flavour, tenderises the toughest meat, and I’m sure it would work very well on old human flesh.

There is also the problem that very old people can be extremely thin, and therefore shoppers might think that there is not enough flesh on them to make them worth buying. But their bones can be used to make bone broth, which nowadays is regarded as a superfood. This can easily be made at home, but it is time-consuming. I’m sure it would be a profitable business venture to build factories dedicated to the production of bone broth, perhaps in areas where places such as oil refineries have closed, and there are plenty of unemployed workers.

It is not just the flesh of the elderly which could be put to good use; their skin could also be used to make high-value consumer goods in the same way as leather is currently used.Any perceived imperfections such as wrinkles or scars could be regarded as giving the item character, rendering it unique and adding greatly to its value.

I appreciate that people are sometimes reluctant to try anything new, but I’m sure that as Chancellor you could instruct the BBC and other television channels to broadcast cookery programmes to encourage people to make use of this wonderful new protein source. Some shows could be devoted to demonstrating to people how to make inexpensive nourishing meals from the old folks, while other shows could focus on the more gourmet recipes for special occasions.

I think that a Government advertising campaign would also be helpful, with a catchy campaign slogan. I had thought of “Eat Your Elders” along the lines of the “Eat Your Greens” catchphrase of previous years, but other people may have better ideas. There could be a campaign song, to fix the concept in people’s minds; if “Eat Your Elders” was the slogan adopted, the following song could be used, to the tune of “Count Your Blessings”:-

Eat Your Elders, eat them one by one.

Eat Your Elders, and you’ll have so much fun!

Eat Your Elders, leg and bum and hand.

It’s your patriotic duty to devour a gran!

In essence this is a very simple plan, and therefore I’m sure it could be implemented as early as 2025. I have many more ideas for the future of the United Kingdom which I would be more than happy to discuss with you, but I feel that it is my duty as a UK citizen to point out that I myself am in the age group of those who I am proposing should be eaten.

I leave it to you, Ms Reeves, to decide whether to call on me as a source of ideas, or as a source of protein. In either case I am ready to do my patriotic duty.

Yours totally sincerely,

Frankie Mary