The pattern in abusive relationships is tragically very predictable.
The abuser carries on regardless until one day the abused says “I can’t take any more of this I am moving out.”
I am taking the kids, and I am going to start a new life on my own with the children and as far away from you as possible, we can still be friends and you can still see the children however I am outta here.”
The abuser who is always the classical bully, whimpers, and cries and promises the earth.
”Don’t leave the marital home, lead the marital home, I will increase your housekeeping money, you can buy what you like, organise the house any way you like, have all your family and friends over anytime you like, just don’t go, don’t leave me, I love you, I respect you.
I make this Vow to you, I will even write it on paper so you can show it to all your family,they can see how I have changed how sincere I am about our relationship.
I will change ,it will be the best partnership ever in the entire history of the world.
I will respect you,and I will be a true and faithful partner, I won’t interfere in any matters around the house, the home is your domain.
I will just take care of the big matters like the security of the home, the banking, all our joint finances, dealing with the neighbours and organising the invites to our parties and BBQs.
Remember we are a family, and we are an equal partnership in this marriage.”
No sooner has the abused agreed to stay and give it “one more go” than the bully resorts to type.
Suddenly the interference in the home is as bad as ever, the abusive comments about your appearance, your family, the way you speak, your friends are as nasty as it ever was before you threatened to leave the first time.
You can’t cook, you don’t clean the house properly, you don’t treat the children correctly, you sit wrongly, you walk funny, your hair is a mess, your clothes are old fashioned, you are lucky nobody else would want you, be grateful I let you remain here.”
The abuser then announces that they will have to bring some discipline and order to the home you have wrecked, they will introduce new rules, their rules and you will have no input, you just get back in your box and don’t you dare ever again get ideas above your lowly station.
If you had left when you threatened it would have been a disaster, you don’t have any money or friends, they are all mine.
Nobody likes you, and nobody wants your friendship, you are too stupid, too weak and too poor to survive in the world without me, the smart one.
The abused reminds them of the promises that were made when they had threatened to leave.
”That was then, this is now, you have made your bed, now have to lie in it, this is not a partnership of equals you are my partner and I am the boss you will do what you are told or else!
Does it sound a little familiar?
Are you going to keep just accepting it or are you going to do something about it?
YOU YES YET?